Rita Skeeter Makes a Comeback COMPLETE
by FullMoonDreams
Summary: Rita Skeeter has written a sequel to her biography of Albus Dumbledore and Snape's portrait has a copy of it. Rita reveals all about Albus's romantic relationships, much to the surprise of everyone...including Albus. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to JK Rowling and I am just borrowing them for a while._

_Author Notes: This fic is inspired by the fanart of lamech77 at Deviantart. Just look for The Outing – HP and you will see what I mean. I hope that artist doesn't mind. _

_This fic is not a dig at anyone else's stories. I have read only two Dumbledore fics since his outing and both were AD/GG pairings and tastefully done._

ETA: Author Note: For the benefit of anyone else who, like my first reviewer, wishes to tell me to read the books because the characters are out of character please note - this story is in the section of humour/parody. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously, the characters ARE meant to be over the top and rocketing from one extreme to the other. That was rather the point and is done deliberately. I have read the books numerous times and, as should hopefully be evidenced by my more serious fics, am perfectly capable of keeping the characters "in character".

For the record, the M rating is because of something in one of the later parts - this is a seven part story and already written in full so it was rated on the basis of the story as a whole rather than what is in the first part.

**Rita Skeeter Makes a Comeback**

Minerva McGonagall sat in the headmaster's office. Once again she was in the position of acting Headmistress and was currently undertaking her duty to sort through the post. Or rather she was avoiding doing that particular task and was instead engrossed in the latest edition of the Daily Prophet.

"I see Albus is making headlines again," Snape said as he leaned forward in his chair and strained to see the newspaper from his position within the portrait frame.

"Am I?" Dumbledore asked with feigned mild interest. "Two years gone and I still manage to interest the readers."

"There's no need to sound so smug about it," Snape muttered. "The Quibbler did a full feature on my work during the war last month."

"But this is the Daily Prophet," Dumbledore pointed out with a self-satisfied smile. "A much higher circulation."

"The Quibbler can hold it's own, ever since the Potter exclusive back in his fifth year."

"But the Prophet…well…it's the Prophet."

"I hate to interrupt," McGonagall said with a small cough of impatience, "but the picture of Albus in the paper today is merely part of an advertising campaign for a new book."

"Oh," Dumbledore said with obvious disappointment.

"Aren't there already more than enough books about him?" Snape asked with a barely concealed sneer.

"This one's apparently breaking new ground," McGonagall said as she read the advert. "It's called…oh my goodness…"

"What?" Snape asked, his interest now engaged. "What's it called?"

"Well I don't know quite what to think about the title," McGonagall muttered. "But it's called _Down and Dirty with Albus Dumbledore_."

"A Herbology publication," Dumbledore speculated with delight. "Of course it never was my best subject but I know that Herbologists everywhere were delighted when I discovered that you could – what was that Minerva?"

"I said it isn't about Herbology," McGonagall repeated.

"Well it certainly sounds like it is," Dumbledore muttered. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure," McGonagall replied with a smirk worthy of Snape himself.

"What makes you think so?" Snape asked. "Does it say what it _is_ about?"

"No, it's top secret until the publication next week."

"Then you don't know that it isn't about how I benefited the Herbologists," Dumbledore pointed out.

"It's written by Rita Skeeter," McGonagall stated. "Somehow I doubt that she'd be bothered about anything that didn't have the scent of a scandal all over it."

"That odious woman," Dumbledore spluttered. "Wasn't that previous biography, and I use the word biography loosely, adequate punishment enough for me. Slandering my good name and…"

"I seem to recall it was quite a page turner actually," Snape commented with a sly smirk. "Certainly helped to pass the time whilst I was being ostracised by the staff during my time as Headmaster."

McGonagall shuffled her feet and looked guilty even though they'd long ago spoken and each offered their own apologies for their conduct in that final year of the war.

"You actually read it?" Dumbledore asked in astonishment. "I'm surprised at you. Anything that woman writes contains merely a grain of truth in a positive desert of lies."

"I never said it was truthful," Severus reminded the other man. "I said it was a page turner. Minerva, would you be so kind as to order me a copy of the sequel?"

"Severus, you're a portrait," Dumbledore pointed out with a sigh. "How exactly are you planning to read it?"

"Oh I think a podium right here," he gestured to the space in front of his frame, "and my non-verbal spell for turning pages – I could do that one without a wand by the time I was fifteen you know – will be sufficient."

"Professor McGonagall will not be ordering you anything," Dumbledore stated firmly. "We are here to serve the current headmaster or headmistress, not the other way around."

"Would you like a free phoenix bookmark with your copy?" Minerva asked as she looked up at Snape from the form she was in the middle of completing.


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note: I rarely bother with replying to reviews midstory as it were, preferring to answer them directly by PM. However for the benefit of anyone else who, like my first reviewer, wishes to tell me to read the books because the characters are out of character please note - this story is in the section of humour/parody. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously, the characters ARE meant to be over the top and rocketing from one extreme to the other. That was rather the point and is done deliberately. I have read the books numerous times and, as should hopefully be evidenced by my more serious fics, am perfectly capable of keeping the characters "in character".

For the record, the M rating is because of something in one of the later parts - this is a seven part story and already written in full so it was rated on the basis of the story as a whole rather than what is in the first part.

---------------------------------

"Is it here? Is it here?" asked Snape. He was practically jumping up and down in his portrait frame with excitement as McGonagall walked in with the post.

"Yes, it's here," McGonagall replied with a sigh. "One parcel for the attention of Professor Severus Snape."

"Oh open it, open it," Snape pleaded.

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "You're worse than a kid at Christmas," she muttered as she tore open the package.

"You have no idea how truly boring this existence is," Snape retorted. "I've been looking forward to this book arriving all week."

McGonagall unwrapped the book and placed it on the already placed podium. "Don't read it all in one sitting," she advised.

"If you could just raise the podium a little," Snape requested. "No, that's too much, down a little, and a little more. And if you could just move it a smidge to the left."

McGonagall magically moved the podium for a good ten minutes before she finally lost her patience and pointed her wand at the occupant of the portrait.

"That's perfectly positioned now, thank you Minerva," Snape hurriedly assured her.

The other former Heads watched as Snape leaned forward to read his book. Every now and then he cast a smirk at Dumbledore, chuckled or made some sound indicating various degrees of astonishment.

"Snape!"

Snape looked up at the sound of his name. Across the room Headmaster Everard glared across at him. "Yes?"

"Either read the blasted thing aloud or cease making those infernal noises," Everard said impatiently.

"I didn't realise everyone was so interested," Snape said in the most innocent tone he could muster.

"You've been stuck up on the wall for less than a year and you're bored with the tedium of this existence. Spare a thought for those of us who've been here watching the paint dry for far longer than you."

"Well if you all wish me to read aloud…" Snape looked around the room and saw various portraits nodding and their enthusiastic agreement. The only one who didn't look to be foaming at the mouth with anticipation was Dumbledore himself.

"Professor Dumbledore?" Snape asked.

"If you must," Dumbledore muttered with a sniff of contempt.

"Very well, if everyone's ready?" Snape looked about the room again and once everyone confirmed they were seated comfortably he began to read.

"Introduction by Rita Skeeter… 

_As a professional writer it is hard for me to admit when I might have made a mistake. Those who followed the reviews of The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore will be aware of the one major criticism from the readers – the lack of coverage of the love affairs of the renowned wizard."_

Snape looked up at the strangled sound emanating from Albus's portrait.

"Ignore him," Dilys Derwent ordered. "Read on Snape."

Snape turned away from the flushed face of Dumbledore and turned back to the book.

"_With this sequel I seek to rectify that omission in full. _

_This biography will address all those important questions my faithful readers are clamouring to have answered. _

_Who was Albus Dumbledore's first love?_

_Who was his greatest love?_

_Was he a heartbreaker or a Casanova?_

_And most importantly…why did he never marry?"_

Snape looked up briefly and noted that he had the undivided attention of everyone in the room. He also noticed that McGonagall was still seated in the office and also appeared to be listening. Having already read the introduction himself he'd been rather hoping that she'd have left the room by this point. Particularly as she was the one person present who could take the book off of him.

"You're not going to be stopping and starting like this all the time are you?" asked Everard impatiently. "If you are I must insist that Minerva move the podium to a place in front of someone less inclined to dramatics."

"I've done more than enough podium moving for one day," McGonagall declared with a glare at Everard.

"I was merely catching my breath," Snape assured everyone before turning back to the book.

"_For many years there were rumours circulating about the close relationship between Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. These rumours were often encouraged by Dumbledore himself in an attempt to hide the truth. The truth that can now be revealed to my loyal readers. _

_Albus Dumbledore was gay."_

Gasps emanated from various portraits around the room.

McGonagall sat with her mouth open, squeaking slightly as she tried to give voice to her thoughts.

Snape looked at Dumbledore who was merely sat serenely in his chair waiting for the declaration to sink in.

McGonagall found her voice first. "What rumours about me and Albus?" she asked. "I don't recall any. We shared a purely professional relationship. I never heard any rumours."

"Well there were a few flying round when I was at school," Snape said with a smirk. "You danced more with Albus at the Yule Ball than you did with anyone else. The whole school thought there was something going on."

"That's because he was the only one who could dance more than two paces without breaking my toes," McGonagall snapped.

"The students always have something to gossip about," Dumbledore commented quietly. "Though I must admit I credited you with a bit more sense Severus."

Severus bristled in indignation. "Well, it looks like you were right about the book. Just a load of old tosh after all."

"Oh I don't know," Dumbledore replied with a calm smile. "She seems to be quite accurate so far."

Several jaws dropped as everyone turned to face the still smiling Dumbledore.

"You mean…?"

"Are you really…?"

"…all this time…"

"…kept that one quiet…"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I thought you all knew or I'd have mentioned it myself. It's nothing I'm ashamed of."

A scraping sound seemed to be coming from the far side of Dumbledore and Snape looked over into Phineas Black's portrait to see what was happening. The elderly wizard was currently attempting to move his chair as far out the far side of the frame as he could manage.

"Oh for goodness sake," McGonagall said with a snort.

"Phineas, you're not my type," Dumbledore stated when he realised what the other wizard was doing. "I'm not going to leap into your frame and ravish you."

Phineas muttered something Snape couldn't hear but the scraping of his chair stopped and soon everyone settled down again.

"Do carry on Severus…" Dumbledore requested. "I must admit I am a little curious as to just what _is_ in that book."

"Surely you already know what's in it?" Snape asked in surprise.

"The book before you is nearly as thick as _Hogwarts: A History_. I highly doubt that the simple truth of my love life could fill all those pages. No doubt Ms Skeeter has elaborated somewhat."

"No doubt," Snape agreed as he quickly scanned the list of contents before beginning chapter one.


	3. Chapter 3

"_The truth about the cancelled Grand Tour is not as clear cut as Albus Dumbledore would have had people believe._

_Until now it has been widely known that Albus was forced to cancel his tour with Elphias Doge due to a family tragedy. (For full details see chapters 9-12 of The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore.)_

_I can now exclusively reveal that following the death of Albus's younger sister he did in fact join Elphias on the Grand Tour as originally planned."_

"No I didn't," Dumbledore interrupted.

"Rita says otherwise and she seems to have a photo to prove it," Snape stated as he pointed at the book.

McGonagall jumped up and hurried to the book to see if this was correct whilst Dumbledore strained to see for himself.

"It's definitely you Albus," McGonagall said. "You're standing in a gondola in Venice and that certainly appears to be young Elphias in the boat with you."

"It can't be," Dumbledore muttered as he pushed his way into Snape's portrait in order to get a closer look at the book.

"Maybe you were drunk?" Snape suggested. "You're certainly not taking a great deal of notice of your surroundings…you look like you're about to hit that low bridge with your head."

"That photograph is a fake," Dumbledore stated as he pointed to the offending picture. "I'm in my Wizengamot robes and clearly this was taken from a photo taken at the Ministry of Magic and spell-shopped into one of Elphias's holiday snaps."

"So you're saying you didn't _'meet up with Elphias in Amsterdam before moving on to Paris for a romantic week in the city of lovers'_," Snape asked.

"Elphias took the tour on his own," Dumbledore insisted. "I wasn't in Amsterdam, Paris or Venice."

"But you're not denying a relationship with him?" Snape pointed out with a smirk.

"We were friends," Dumbledore said through gritted teeth. "_Just_ friends."

"Rita says you were, to use an American phrase, 'high school sweethearts'," Snape continued as he turned the page. "She says that you broke the poor young man's heart when you had a fling with another man during the two months you were at Godric's Hollow."

"Elphias, you may recall since I know you've met him yourself, is happily married to the landlady of the Cat and Cauldron and has four children with her." Dumbledore folded his arms as though this settled things. "Clearly this chapter of the book is further retaliation against him for not co-operating with her when she was digging for dirt on me."

"So you were just friends?" Dilys asked in disappointment.

"That's right," Dumbledore said with a firm nod before returning to his own frame once more.

"Does Rita say who he had the fling with?" Everard asked as he wandered into Snape's portrait as well.

"I guess that's in chapter two," Snape said.

"Just skip ahead to that," Dilys called out to the agreement of the rest of the listeners.

Snape nodded and turned to chapter two.

"The summer of 1899 was a hot and steamy one for Albus Dumbledore…"

"There was a dreadful heat wave that year, it was hot and steamy for everyone," Dumbledore interrupted.

"I'll go ahead and gag him if you like," Everard said. Several wizards and witches nodded their agreement but Dumbledore gestured that he'd be quiet and Everard remained in Snape's portrait.

"_Whilst Elphias Doge was travelling alone on the continent Albus was not feeling similar pangs of loneliness. Instead he was enjoying a fling that he spent many years covering up. A fling with none other than Gellert Grindelwald."_

Snape stopped reading as his jaw dropped.

"Preposterous!" Everard muttered as the other portraits found their voices.

"How dare she…?"

"…slanderous…"

"She's gone too far with that one…"

"I can't believe they'd let her publish such a thing!"

Eventually the portraits calmed themselves and turned to see what Dumbledore himself had to say about the accusation.

"Albus?" asked Snape cautiously. "Don't you have anything to say about that?"

"Such as?"

"Well…er…aren't you going to deny it?"

"Oh I don't think so," Dumbledore said quietly. "I've already explained that Elphias was nothing more than a friend but the rest is somewhat accurate."

Absolute silence greeted Dumbledore's admission.

"Somewhat accurate?" Snape asked. "Which part?"

"Well I never did anything to cover up our relationship," Dumbledore explained. "Godric's Hollow was even smaller then than it is now. Back in those days our relationship would have been somewhat frowned upon by the locals and we were, understandably, discreet."

"So you and Grindelwald…?"

"Oh yes," Dumbledore confirmed with a somewhat dreamy smile.

"It must be the bad boy syndrome," Dilys commented with a shake of her head.

"You couldn't have been that discreet," Snape pointed out with a smirk as he glanced back at the book again. "According to Ms Skeeter you were _'often caught kissing and canoodling in various secluded beauty spots around the village'._"

"The only person who ever caught us was…" Dumbledore's voice trailed off as realisation dawned.

"Who?" Dilys asked eagerly as she bounced up and down in her chair with excitement.

"Presumably the close personal source whom Ms Skeeter interviewed for this chapter," Snape commented.

"Aberforth," Dumbledore muttered. "Minerva, go run down to the Hog's Head and fetch him. Drag him if you have to. I want a word with my brother."

"I thought you weren't ashamed of your…er…inclinations?" Phineas asked silkily.

"That doesn't mean he has the right to go blabbing all about my private life to that Skeeter woman," Dumbledore replied. "Minerva, why aren't you going to get him?"

"I don't want to miss anything," McGonagall replied as she settled back in her chair. "I'm sure whatever you have to say to your brother can wait until later."

Dumbledore glared at her as he sat back in his seat.

"Would you like me to continue with chapter two?" Snape asked.

"Is there anything juicy in it?" Dilys asked as she joined Snape and Everard in Snape's portrait. "Oooh is that a picture of young Grindelwald? He was quite the dishy young man wasn't he?"

Snape had already seen that the photo was the one that had already been published in _The Life and Lies and Albus Dumbledore_ and so stepped back as various witches and wizards crowded into his portrait in order to see. He noticed that Phineas walked through all the portraits in the room to take a look, rather than simply passing through Dumbledore's painting.

Snape's portrait was soon so crowded that he was forced into Dumbledore's as the rest of the occupants read select passages from the chapter and made various comments like 'on my', 'well really' and 'you old dog, Albus'.

"It's amazing how much I managed to fit into those two months, isn't it?" Dumbledore said quietly to Snape with just the faintest trace of sarcasm.

Finally they reached the end of the second chapter and began to move back to their own portraits, leaving Snape to continue reading at the start of chapter three.


	4. Chapter 4

"_After so callously tossing aside Elphias Doge, Albus was to receive a taste of his own medicine when he found himself being treated in a similar manner by Gellert Grindelwald. _

_Cast aside after barely two months Albus was left heartbroken and was frequently found sobbing into his butterbeer for years afterwards. _

_Without a thought for the still hurt feelings of Elphias, Albus selfishly tracked him down on the continent and spent the following months repairing the damage he had caused to their relationship…"_

"Does the woman actually realise that this directly contradicts what she already wrote in the first chapter?" Dumbledore asked with a snort of contempt.

"Probably not," Snape replied with a shrug before continuing.

"_It was only through the careful covering up of his relationship with Grindelwald that Albus Dumbledore was able to secure the affections of Elphias once again._

_Their relationship continued for several years until they parted for unknown reasons. Elphias, already struggling with his ostracism from society due to the scars he portrayed from the Dragon Pox decided to put an end to the rumours about his personal relationship with Albus and entered into an arranged marriage at the request of his parents."_

"I suppose pointing out that his parents were decades dead by the time Elphias tied the knot would be rather futile," Dumbledore commented.

"Quite," Snape replied.

"_Elphias's poor wife must have wondered every day whether she truly held the heart of her husband or whether it was still in the possession of Albus Dumbledore._

_After their final separation Albus Dumbledore travelled the continent leaving a trail of broken hearts in his wake…"_

Snape continued reading the elaborate and lengthy tales of Albus's amorous adventures across Europe and beyond, punctuated occasionally by gasps from his audience and snorts of disbelief and laughter from Dumbledore himself.

It was mid-afternoon and Snape was nearly a quarter of the way through the book when he found himself pushed out of his portrait and into Dumbledore's once more.

"You're making this up," Armando Dippet accused as he looked at the book for himself. "I've never been so insulted!"

"You're insulted," Dumbledore retorted as he followed Snape back into his portrait. "I was promoted to Headmaster of this school on my own credentials!"

"Not according to Ms Skeeter," declared Snape as he pointed to the last paragraph he'd read. "According to her it was your _'close and extremely personal relationship with your predecessor Armando Dippet'_ that secured you the post. She also insinuates that you had a lot of _'one on one staff meetings late at night'_ and if it weren't for your secret affair with Armando you wouldn't have been the youngest Headmaster Hogwart's has ever known."

"Hey!" a voice called out indignantly from across the room. "I'm was the youngest Headmaster, not Albus. I may not be known for much but I had that at least. Now thanks to this book there'll be nothing to remember me by."

"I'm sure no one with an ounce of common sense will believe a word Rita Skeeter writes," Dumbledore consoled.

"In that case there isn't much common sense in this very room," Snape commented with a smirk around the room at the listeners who had been hanging on his every word for several hours.

"I vote we skip the rest of this chapter," Dippet said with a glare around the room. Various portraits nodded, albeit reluctantly, and Snape flicked the pages ahead to see who was next on the list of Albus Dumbledore's conquests.

"_The Dark Lord's Dark Secret,"_ Severus read but got no further before he was interrupted again.

"It's the bad boy thing," Dilys said again.

"I don't know why we're all surprised," commented Everard. "Not after the Grindelwald revelation."

"Riddle was quite a looker in his younger days," Dippet added. "At least all the girls seemed to think so," he hurried on.

"Your taste in men clearly started to deteriorate at the same time as your eye sight did," Snape said with a malicious grin to Dumbledore. "I shudder to think who you were messing around with by the time you bit the big one."

Without waiting for Dumbledore to comment on whether he had actually conducted an affair with the Dark Lord, Snape continued to read.

"_He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was known to have few friends, and like Albus Dumbledore he never married. I can now confirm that this was because, like so many before him, He had lost his heart to Albus, who by this point had already earned his reputation as something of a playboy."_

Snape raised a solitary eyebrow before he continued.

"_The young Tom Riddle made frequent trips back to Hogwarts following his graduation and had numerous private meetings with Albus, the final one being shortly after Albus's promotion to Headmaster._

_However it is clear that he held a torch for Albus long after they parted. _

_It is believed that it was Albus's pureblood status…"_ Severus halted and turned to Dumbledore again. "Didn't she say in the previous book that your mother was muggle-born?" he asked.

"Yes," Dumbledore replied. "She did and she was. We've already established that Ms Skeeter is inconsistent in this book from chapter to chapter, why are you surprised that she also contradicts her previous book?"

"Good point," Snape replied before continuing. _"…it was Albus's pureblood status that compelled Tom Riddle to take on the persona of Lord Voldemort. The younger man's hope was that his elevated title would secure him the affections that his half-blood birth status denied him._

_Lord Voldemort kept his secret affection for Albus a secret from even his closest followers and took a leaf out of the older man's book by cultivating the rumours that abounded regarding his relationship with loyal Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange. _

_Albus however was not a man to be fooled by a simple title and spent many years delving into the past of his devoted admirer. Only when it was too late to matter did Albus come to discover that the Dark Lord was in fact descended from Salazar Slytherin himself. _

_By this time Lord Voldemort's fond feelings for his mentor had dwindled to nothing and it is left for the readers to speculate as to what might have been had Albus been less of a snob when choosing those on whom he would bestow his affections."_

"So you didn't actually have a thing going with the Dark Lord?" Snape asked with obvious disappointment.

"Of course not," Dumbledore replied with a snort. "So far this long list of my conquests has only managed to get it right once."

"Oh," Dilys said. "You mean you didn't inspire that muggle composer into writing his famous symphony?"

"Afraid not." Dumbledore shook his head.

"And you didn't trek alone across the Sahara to rescue the young man who'd been kidnapped by camel herders?" she asked hopefully.

"I'm a wizard," Dumbledore replied scornfully. "Why would I trek anywhere when I can quite easily apparate to the required location?"

"You mean to say," Snape asked, "that of all those listed so far, and we're nearly half way through the book now, of all those listed…only Grindelwald is actually true?"

"I may have dozed off briefly somewhere in the vicinity of chapter seven but I doubt there was anything of truth around that point that I missed."

"Are you sure?" McGonagall asked as she quickly flicked back through to the seventh chapter.

"Ms Skeeter appears to be working in chronological order," Dumbledore explained. "I'm quite sure that there was nothing of great interest happening in my love life around that point."

"Nicholas Flamel," McGonagall said. "Chapter seven was all about your relationship with the noted alchemist."

"We had a working relationship," Dumbledore clarified. "As I am sure you all know."

"So you didn't experiment with love potions with him and get caught in a compromising position by Nicholas's wife?" Dilys asked.

"Certainly not," Dumbledore replied with a harsh glare in her direction.

"Botheration," Dilys muttered. "I was so looking forward to discussing that little tidbit of gossip with the portraits in St Mungos. Several of them knew the Flamels and are as eager for entertainment as we are."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Dumbledore offered.

"Is there any chance we can continue some time today?" asked Everard with obvious impatience. "I'm happy to take over the reading if you're too tired Severus?"

"I'm quite all right, thank you," Snape replied and turned back to the book. He opened his mouth to speak and his jaw dropped instantly.


	5. Chapter 5

Author note: Yes I left it on a cliffhanger. I'm evil like that. But at least it was only for one day. For those who haven't read my bio information...this story is already written in full and I update it here daily, so any cliffhanger will only be for one day. 

----------------

"Are you going to read it aloud or not?" Everard asked with increasing impatience.

"Yes, yes," Snape replied. "I was just a little shocked to see who the next chapter is focused on. If only I'd known."

Dumbledore casually walked out of his portrait and into Snape's to look over the other man's shoulder to see what was causing the delay.

"Oh for crying out loud," he muttered before returning to his own portrait.

"If only I'd known that whilst I was trying to win back the affections of my Lily, Albus was trying to secure the affections of her husband. We could have made it a team effort." Snape turned to Dumbledore with a smirk.

"I seem to recall that by the time Lily and James had married you were firmly enthralled with your activities as a Death Eater," Dumbledore replied with a smirk of his own.

By this point Everard had lost patience and had travelled to Snape's portrait once again. Snape had to practically push him out of the way in order to read aloud for the rest of the room.

"_James Potter, whose most notable achievement in his life was fathering Dumbledore's most famous student Harry Potter, appeared to be a simple family man with a loving wife…" _Snape sneered. _"…and young son. But throughout the final year of his life he found that this wasn't enough…he wanted more..._

…_James Potter remained in touch with Albus through Dumbledore's select gentlemen's club known as The Order of the Phoenix and they kept up a steady correspondence throughout the course of James's marriage. _

_James managed, through means of an invisibility cloak, to continue his affair with Albus right under the noses of his wife and child. Tragically this very cloak was left with Albus on the night it was needed the most…on the night it could have saved both his own life and that of his wife, it was still in the possession of Albus Dumbledore."_

"So all that guff about Deathly Hallows was a load of old bunkum?" Everard accused.

Dumbledore rolled his eyes but didn't bother to comment.

"So what did those women who joined the order do?" Dilys asked with interest. "If it was one of _those_ sorts of clubs what were women doing there?"

"Really Dilys, show a little sense would you?" Everard answered. "They were probably fetching the drinks and cleaning up after all the young bucks."

"Or perhaps they were fighting Lord Voldemort whilst the rest of us were making out?" Dumbledore suggested sarcastically.

"Is that right?" Dilys asked. "You were in the club weren't you Snape? Come on and spill the beans."

"Moving on quickly," Snape said as he turned back to the book.

"_The death of the Potters affected Albus greatly and from that point onwards he threw himself into his work and turned to his old comrade Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody for companionship._

_Albus and Alastor enjoyed a tempestuous on-off relationship for many years, further details in chapter eighteen._

_By this point it was clear that Albus Dumbledore was not someone who was inclined to be faithful to a single man. He maintained close relationships with most members of his club, see chapter seventeen for the exceptions, and continued to gather admirers over the years._

_He enjoyed a close relationship with one of Lord Voldemort's closest supporters and Lucius Malfoy was a frequent visitor to Hogwarts under the pretext of interest in the school due to his position on the Board of Governors…"_

"I suppose they say I helped him get the position," Dumbledore muttered.

"You're right," Snape confirmed a moment later. "So that's true is it? Lucius kept that under his hat."

"…_and later as a father to his only child Draco. It was a difficult relationship to be in during the years following Lord Voldemort's fall and Albus used all his influence to keep Lucius out of Azkaban. For his efforts on Lucius's behalf Albus held a special place in that man's affections for many years._

_But as difficult as that relationship was, Albus was later to find that the most complex of his relationships was still ahead of him._

_Chapter Fifteen – The Most Unusual Love Triangle."_

"Another one?" Dilys asked. "That's hardly unusual or original."

"Oh I wouldn't say that," McGonagall said as she skimmed ahead.

"If you don't mind Minerva," Snape asked and she turned the pages back to the start of the chapter so that he could continue reading.

"_One of the most talked about rumours during Albus Dumbledore's reign as Headmaster of Hogwarts was the one surrounding the position of the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. No teacher lasted longer than a year and more than a dozen were rumoured to have left due to ill-feelings following a short-lived relationship with the man who had hired them. _

_None however left as explosively as did Professor Quirenius Quirrell. _

_Professor Quirrell was initially hired for the position of Muggle Studies teacher and enjoyed serving in that position until a lovers quarrel sent him abroad. _

_He returned to take up the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher which is when the love triangle that no one could have predicted began…"_

"Any takers on who the third party is?" Everard asked.

"Two galleons on Flitwick," Dippet offered. "There were some hints at a relationship with him a couple of chapters ago."

"One galleon on Snape," Dilys called out from safely across the room.

"Two knuts on Hagrid," Phineas suggested.

"All wrong, pay up," Everard said, rubbing his hands with glee as he made his way to the other portraits to collect his winnings. "Snape…"

"Oh I can continue now can I? Why thank you." Snape turned the page to see if his own guess had been correct. He nodded knowingly and wished he'd placed a bet.

"_Quirrell had travelled a great deal during his time away from Hogwarts and, unknown to Albus, his body was also housing the spirit of Lord Voldemort by the time he returned to the school. _

_Quirrell quickly resumed his relationship with Albus, much to the indignation of Lord Voldemort and the love triangle that ensued only ended in the spontaneous combustion of Professor Quirrell as both men fought for control of the body and for Albus Dumbledore's affections."_

"So that's what happened down there," Dilys said. "No wonder poor Harry always looked so traumatised."

"Did he look traumatised," Snape asked. "I beg to differ."

"Can we get back to the topic at hand?" Dippet asked. "I'm curious to know what she's written about Quirrell's successor."

"Oh Merlin," Dumbledore whispered as Snape began the next chapter.


	6. Chapter 6

"_The loss of Quirrell didn't phase Albus for long and it will come as no surprise that Quirrell's successor to the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was chosen for the post because of Albus's longstanding admiration and affection for him. Gilderoy Lockhart swept into Hogwarts and revitalised the department._

_He is famous for helping Harry Potter in his battle against a deadly basilisk and enjoying a close and intimate relationship with Albus Dumbledore."_

"He was hired because he was the only applicant for the position," Dumbledore declared "Incompetent fool."

"Ahem," Snape coughed pointedly. "I think you'll find that _I_ applied for the position that year, just as I'd done every year."

"Oh don't start that again," Dumbledore warned with a sigh of frustration.

Snape huffed and continued reading.

"_Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, an established author with numerous awards to his name recalls his time at Hogwarts with fondness and was happy to chat about his close, personal relationship with Albus Dumbledore."_

"Got his memory back has he?" Dumbledore asked in surprise.

"Is that an admission?" Snape replied. _"Gilderoy, who would like to keep his present whereabouts anonymous due to the constant pressure of fame, spoke openly of how Albus had told him that he'd worshipped him for years and was only too delighted to reminisce about his brief time as Albus's favourite."_

"Anonymous whereabouts," Dilys snorted. "Doesn't want everyone to know that he's a complete barmpot, you mean."

"Is he still in St Mungo's?" Everard asked.

"Was last week," Dilys confirmed. "Still a complete loon of course."

"You sure can pick 'em Albus," Snape chuckled. "Do you want to hear all about how Albus helped him answer his fan mail and praised his bravery?"

"Spare us please," Dilys muttered. "He was bad enough whilst he was here and I still occasionally have to listen to his rubbish when I'm visiting St Mungo's."

Snape turned back to his reading and scowled as he saw what was coming up.

"_The following year Albus made his most controversial appointment ever. Instead of hiring an experienced teacher to replace Gilderoy Lockhart (who had gone on to a bright future helping the healers at St Mungo's), Albus instead appointed the werewolf Remus Lupin, a close personal friend from his days as leader of the Order of the Phoenix club._

_Passing over more qualified and experienced candidates for the position, the world was shocked by the decision to hire the rabid and dangerous lunatic who…"_

"Severus?" McGonagall interrupted. "Your own personal feelings appear to spilling forth. I believe that you are now reading from your own mind's eye rather than from the page."

Snape scowled.

"If you can't read it properly then pass the job onto someone else," Everard ordered.

Snape glared around the room before he turned back to read from the page properly.

"_With no other applicants available to take the post Remus Lupin was nevertheless a favourite with both the students and the teachers. Loved by all and at the top of his field it was only his unfortunate condition that prevented him from keeping the job permanently. Or was it…?_

_Remus had for many years had a rival for Albus's affections in the form of his own former school friend Sirius Black. _

_Before Sirius's incarceration in Azkaban the two young men had turned to each other, having both been passed over by Albus in favour of their other friend James Potter._

_Now with James and Sirius both out of the picture Remus had Albus all to himself…at least until Sirius, who had escaped from Azkaban, reappeared on the scene. _

_Although it was not widely known for several years it is now clear that both Albus and Remus were aware of Sirius Black's innocence of the crimes he was accused of from the day before Remus resigned his post. _

_Coincidence? _

_In the life of Albus Dumbledore there's no such thing. _

_Remus surely knew that his time with Albus was coming to an end and that Albus, who always had a fondness for handsome young men, would choose Sirius over himself. _

_Remus Lupin surrendered his position at both the school and in Albus's heart. The job would go to old flame Alastor Moody, with Albus's affections being divided between him and Sirius Black."_

"Quite a busy time you were having whilst the rest of us were keeping Potter from getting himself killed," Snape commented.

"Apparently," Dumbledore chuckled. "Ms Skeeter really should turn her talents to fiction."

"Who does it say Albus chose?" Dilys asked eagerly. "I'll bet it was Sirius. Such a handsome young man."

"Looks aren't everything," Snape snarled.

"If you can't read the book without making snide comments and unnecessary remarks about Albus's taste in men, perhaps someone else should take over," Everard suggested.

Snape looked across to see that Everard was already making his way back through the portraits again, eager to take over the job.

"I can manage," Snape snapped with unnecessary venom. Everard turned to go back to his own portrait with disappointment etched on his face.

"You sound almost jealous," Dilys commented with a sweet smile. "And we all thought sweet little Lily was your only love."

"She was!" Snape replied. "I just don't see why everyone keeps harping on about how good looking Black was. He looked downright awful after his escape from prison."

"So what happened next?" Dumbledore asked as he gestured to the book.

"Aren't you going to tell us?" Snape asked.

"I wouldn't know," Dumbledore replied with a smile. "This is as much news to me, as it is to the rest of you."


	7. Chapter 7

"_During the year of Alastor Moody's tenure as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Albus Dumbledore played a dangerous game with the man's affections. Keeping his devoted admirer a virtual prisoner within the school Albus resumed his relationship with Sirius Black who was frequently seen in the vicinity of the school in his animagus form of a large dog. _

_Those who like to check their facts will note that Sirius Black is not registered as an animagus officially and this was just one of the crimes that Albus Dumbledore was happy to overlook in light of his affection for the man._

_The two men kept up a constant stream of correspondence, with Harry Potter, Sirius's godson, often acting as a go between."_

"I thought that Sirius only visited in his animagus form?" Everard asked.

"He did," Dumbledore confirmed. "Clearly Ms Skeeter is unconcerned with those little things called facts."

"Actually," Snape interrupted, "she does confirm that Black was in his dog form when he visited. It says that it is commonly known that Albus and his brother had a great deal in common and refers to a footnote."

"What does it say?" Dilys asked.

"_See Wizengamot case number 4487F88G: Ministry of Magic versus Aberforth Dumbledore, a.k.a. The Goat Incident."_ Snape looked at Dumbledore along with all the rest of the portraits and Professor McGonagall.

Dumbledore appeared to be speechless although he finally spluttered a request that McGonagall contact the school's lawyers to ascertain whether he could sue Ms Skeeter for libel.

After Dumbledore had recovered himself, and after McGonagall had confirmed that the lawyers were quite sure that portraits could not sue living people, Snape turned back to the book.

"_Things settled down somewhat the following year with the reestablishment of Albus's gentlemen's club in Sirius's childhood home. It is clear that at this point Albus was still very much involved with not only Sirius, but also with Alastor and Remus. _

_However not all of his conquests that year were members of the exclusive Order of the Phoenix. Certainly the Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge was not allowed into the exclusive club despite the constant correspondence that passed between the two men. Cornelius showered Albus with love letters for many years and the two men are now known to have taken a luxury holiday during Albus's brief absence from his post during this school year. _

_An anonymous source at the Ministry of Magic revealed that Cornelius had been trying to persuade Albus to holiday with him ever since he'd learned that Albus had taken a similar vacation with Lucius Malfoy three years before. _

_Cornelius even went so far as to copy Lucius's ploy of pretending to drive Albus from the school in order to cover up their romantic getaway. _

_My source has been unable to provide evidence of this holiday but I travelled to the Bahamas myself to make sure that no stone was left unturned."_

"I assume she took that trip at her publisher's expense," Phineas muttered.

"Nice work if you can get it," Everard muttered.

"I can't imagine how she knew where I went?" Dumbledore mused. "I certainly wasn't with anyone but don't see how she could have guessed my location on her own?"

Snape rolled his eyes and continued to read. _"The year was not all romance and flowers and sadly tragedy was soon to touch Albus with the loss of his favourite, Sirius Black." _Snape let loose an over the top sob and wiped a non-existent tear from his eye.

"_His loss, as a result of the jealousies of the newly re-born Lord Voldemort and Death Eater Lucius Malfoy was a loss that Albus was never to truly recover from. _

_From that moment on Albus vowed to take down Lord Voldemort and even went so far as to use his influence with Cornelius Fudge to imprison Lucius Malfoy in Azkaban._

_Albus Dumbledore made one fatal mistake in his dealings with Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. He failed to take into account his loyal spy…"_

Snape stopped reading and started to rapidly scan through the remaining few pages, occasionally making sounds of astonishment and horror.

"What is it Severus?" Dumbledore asked with a calm smile that gave away that he knew exactly what was the matter. "Don't you like the way the story is going?"

"Eek," Snape squeaked.

"Now, now Severus," Dumbledore chided. "You have had lots of fun at my expense today. You've all had a good laugh at what Rita Skeeter has written about me. Would you deprive me of the chance to chuckle a little on what she has clearly written about you?"

"Yes, I'd deprive you of that pleasure," Snape declared as he magically slammed the book shut and sat back in his chair.

"I'll read it for you," Everard promised as he hurried through the portraits. Snape jumped out of his seat as he tackled Everard to the floor.

"I'll read the ending for you," McGonagall said as she took the book to the desk.

"_He failed to take into account his loyal spy Severus Snape. Severus had secretly loved Albus for many years. He had shown an unreasonable jealousy of all those who had secured Albus's affections and did his utmost to drive a wedge between Albus and whoever his favourite was at any given time._

_Unbeknownst to Albus, Severus had been steadily working towards securing his affections by taking out his rivals._

_Severus had no idea that in removing Sirius Black from the picture he would be driving Remus Lupin into Albus's arms. _

_Severus used his own Death Eater connections to introduce Remus to fellow werewolf Fenrir Greyback in the hopes that he would cast aside Albus and leave the way relatively clear for himself. _

_Instead Remus and Fenrir arrived at Hogwarts to take matters up with Severus and a terrible fight ensued. _

_The outcome of the quarrel is well known and finished with Albus taking a dive from the top of the Astronomy Tower. _

_The only question is whether he was pushed or whether he jumped…"_

"Is that is?" Dumbledore asked in disappointment.

"Apparently," McGonagall replied. "She rattles on for a bit on the whole morality of having so many lovers at one time but I won't bore you with that. She also mentions that young Teddy isn't Remus's son because she's seen his medical records and there is no trace of a werewolf in his ancestry. The only other thing is an advert at the back offering a discount on pre-orders for her next book which is due out next summer."

"I wonder who she's going to re-write history for next," Dumbledore commented.

"No need to wonder," McGonagall said with a malicious grin. "It's called _Severus Snape: The Sex Scandals_."

"Excellent," Dumbledore enthused as he clapped his hands. "Place an order for me would you Minerva? We'll need something to pass the time during the school holidays."

Snape glared around the room and wished he had another portrait he could escape to. He wondered whether he was too young to feign deafness and cursed Potter for ensuring he had a portrait at all.

-------------------------------------------

Author Note: I am sure there a few people wondering about the M rating. If you are one then it probably means your mind didn't spend its entire time in the gutter while reading this story or I am more subtle than I thought I was. Any complaints about the rating will be ignored by me. I know why it is M and I since I have no way of knowing the age of anyone who might ask I will not be explaining it either here or in PMs.

Now that that is out of the way. I hope you enjoyed the story and thanks to everyone who commented and faved it. And if you haven't already done so please check out the fanart that inspired it. I am sure that if you have read this far you are probably in agreement that Rita Skeeter would be right there with the fangirls in pairing Albus up with each and every bloke in the series.


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